Do gay guys have an accurate gaydar that can spot a secretly gay boyfriend or husband in a straight relationship?
That’s the question one Reddit user posed. And it prompted people to share the very healthy response – bisexuals exist.
The Reddit user asked: ‘Gay men of Reddit: Have you ever met a hetero couple, where you instantly knew the boyfriend / husband was secretly gay? If so, how did you find out?’
The user asked for ‘serious replies only’ and got them – over 3,000 comments so far and counting.
Hello… bisexuals exist
The biggest response – and it’s only taken until 2020 for us to get to this point – is that bisexuals exist.
One bi guy replied: ‘Gaydar isn’t “oh that guy’s gay because he has a limp handshake and a lisp.”
‘I’m a 30-year-old bisexual guy who is seldom attracted to men so it’s just simpler to be “straight”. I’ve got a decent gaydar, but it’s based more on how people do or don’t catch my eye, the amount of attention they give me.
‘It’s basically the same set of instincts I use when I notice that a girl is attracted to me, nothing magic.’
And women find the same thing. A ‘hetero woman’ married to a bi guy messaged: ‘I’m sure I’ve had the “Oh my God, she’s beautiful!” moment with a lesbian or two and tripped some gaydar.’
Moreover, plenty of bi guys get people assuming they are gay.
‘I live in Alaska, and get confused for gay all the time,’ one said.
‘I’m bisexual, but really picky on my choice of men. I work at a suit store. Take care of my hair, skin, beard. Wear cologne (thank you men’s wear house discount).
‘One time I went up to this girl and wanted to dance. She responded with “What? I can’t dance with you. YOU’RE GAY.”
‘I said back “uhhh, no I’m not gay. I have a girlfriend. I just want to dance.”
She responded with the most hilarious thing I have ever heard. “You have to be gay. You’re so put together. You’re wearing a belt?”
Happy bi relationships
And many of the users were keen to point out that bi people can be happy in mixed-gender relationships.
One said: ‘I’m bi. Met more than my share of men that said some variation of “my wife knows and is understanding…”
And another bisexual guy said: ‘You can be a man married to a woman and also be attracted to sex with men.
‘This is such a weird stigma that people think you can’t be a man/woman married and be bi.
‘I’m bi. I’ve been married to my wife for 13 years and have a five-year-old son. I’m sexually attracted to men and women (probably more a 2.36 on the Kinsey scale). My wife is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
‘I’m pretty masculine, big, burly, beard, boots and I love boobs, but I’m also not shy about things traditionally considered feminine.
‘The number of people (gay and straight) that assume I’m some kind of repressed closet gay who’s torturing myself or my wife is pretty ridiculous.’
While a ‘younger bisexual woman’ gets prejudice from LGBT+ people.
‘A lot of queer folks demand to know how my relationship with my boyfriend works,’ she said.
‘They expect me to “do more” to prove my queerness. And a lot of straight people completely refuse to acknowledge my sexuality. They just gloss over it: “Haha yeah, but it doesn’t matter, you’re with [boyfriend’s name] anyway.” It’s the dumbest thing.
And another woman pointed out the answer to the original question may be ‘both of them are queer’.
‘I’m bi and my boyfriend is bi,’ she said. ‘I classify us as being in a queer relationship as while we look like a heterosexual couple, we’re not.’
Women supporting gay husbands
Some women did step forward to say their own partner came out as gay. And, heartwarmingly, they stayed supportive.
One said: ‘My ex is gay and we found out together. It was a rather tumultuous thing for him since he is from a culture where homosexuality isn’t discussed openly.
‘I’m happy that I was able to support him emotionally through a stressful time in his life. Things are fine now and he is super happy with who he is.’
While kids also proved they can support their parents.
One said: ‘My dad is trans / queer. I’m pretty certain their marriage wasn’t a lie and they loved each other. Just not romantically passionate love. That was a comfort to my mom.’
Honesty is best for the kids
When people do realize they are gay or bi and a relationship breaks down, people advised that honesty is best.
One said his buddy had a gay dad. And he added:
‘If that dude hadn’t gotten the divorce when homosexuality became normalized, I’d hazard a guess that my buddy would have been in for a much rougher teenage life.
‘Not judging just saying, be honest with your fam. It’s 2020. Even if they don’t understand at first, a gay man can still be a big part of his kids’ lifes while not living a lie.’
Err, I’m straight, I just like daiquiris
Other Reddit users pointed out that gaydar can be totally broken.
One guy said: ‘I’m a heterosexual dude that’s very neat/friendly. Multiple times in my life, I’ve had gay dudes presume I was hiding something from my wife.
‘It’s honestly more than a bit offensive. I mean, if a single straight dude were harassing gay female couples with probing questions they’d rightly be labelled an offensive creep.’
And another said it was the daiquiris that gave him away. But he’s straight.:
‘When I was younger, I would regularly apologize for liking “girly” drinks or any other “feminine” behaviour.
‘As I got older, I realized that I don’t want to spend my time worrying if other people think what I do is “gay” or “girly”.
‘From time to time, people will start asking questions. I only correct them if I think there’s a genuine romantic interest at stake. Otherwise, I just avoid making any statements one way or another, and let them try to figure out that liking daiquiris says absolutely nothing about one’s sex life.’
And asexuals exist too
One man replied that women think he’s gay because he’s not interested in them. But that’s because he’s ‘fairly asexual nowadays’.
He said: ‘They automatically assume I’m secretly gay and send in a gay friend because they think gay guys automatically can tell if a guy’s gay or not.
‘Even if I WAS gay, it’s not like I’d flirt with any gay man who stops to talk to me. They just cannot fathom that there are straight guys out there who just aren’t not looking for hookups.’
Some guys get the guy
But, of course, people also shared stories when the guy really did turn out to be gay. And luckily, there are some happy endings.
One man shared his romantic story:
‘One time, while walking in to work, I slipped on the ice. And he caught me and kept his arm around me as we ice-shuffled in. I asked him what he’d do if anyone thought anything inappropriate and he said he didn’t care.
‘He got a divorce (his wife was a cheater) and we reconnected. And now we’re happily married eight years later.’
Another person always thought his older sister’s friend was gay. Then this happened:
‘I met his girlfriend of three years and I knew they were going down the shitter, like six months tops.
‘He didn’t get any physical affection or any attention from her and it hurt me watching it. As a friendly gesture (and to test my theory), I would rub his back, play with his hair and just touch him.
‘And he loved it. He was always so into it. We got a lot closer. We hung out everyday.
‘He told me after a while that his girlfriend didn’t feel comfortable with us hanging out. And he said: “I don’t know why she’s concerned; I’m straight.” And under my breath I said to myself: “Yeah, I can fix that.” And he got very mad after I didn’t repeat it to him.
‘We’ve been dating for over a year. And he’s my superhero.’
I inspired my dad
Finally, one user shared a happy ending to his family story:
‘I came out to my dad during Christmas 2017. He confirmed what I already knew by coming out in return. We both told my brother that Christmas. It was as awkward as it sounds.
‘I knew my dad was gay since I was a teenager (I’m 25 now) because I saw an email he sent his pastor talking about how he struggled with his sexuality all his life.
‘I thought he might resent the fact he “passed it on” to me so I waited to come out to him till I was out of the house. Turns out that’s the inspiration he needed to tell me in return.’
Forced to stay in the closet
Meanwhile other users pointed a finger at the big reason gay guys stay in the closet and marry women – religion.
Some of the stories are kind of funny. Like the person who is friends with the owner of a swingers club who shared this:
‘I’ve seen men there on the gay night that I’ve seen outside with their wives. And they recognise me and have this look like deer in headlights. Like “oooooh shit…. Don’t tell my wife!”
‘I literally saw a pastor from my parents church – married with kids – leave the bathroom stall along with the black guy he just blew… Bit of cum on his face.’
And another guy said he often found so-called straight guys on Grindr:
‘I live in the south and it happens every few months.
‘Religion is a hell of a closet decoration.
‘It’s not my business to out somebody. They’ll face it or they won’t. I’ll just leave it at that.’
‘He’s sad all the time’
But other stories are just heartbreaking.
One user shared the story of a friend of their gay cousin:
‘Apparently he used to be very gay and totally happy all the time. Then he got religion into his head and decided that god didn’t like the gays, so he married a girl from his church.
‘He’s had a kid with her, but I just constantly feel that he’s sad all the time.
‘In Australia we had a referendum over gay marriage and he stated that he would be voting against it due to his religion. My cousin and him stopped being friends for a while over it, which probably made him even sadder.
Escaping the closet
But people do escape even from that toxic environment. One person shared:
‘I grew up in the Bible Belt. People didn’t come out.
‘You were expected to keep that part of you quiet (or kill it). Marry a woman, make babies, go to church, work ‘til retirement, then spoil grandchildren and die.
‘But sometimes the urges are too strong. I know because they were too strong for me and I ended up hooking up with some guys in my hometown. Most of whom are now married to women and making babies.
‘One guy in particular was very butch – worked out, bragged about women he wanted, liked to show off his body, etc. But one night in college, I slept over, and sure enough, we fooled around.
‘I think he’s either gay or bi. Sadly the Bible Belt doesn’t allow for people to come out. That’s why I got out.’
And how about this for a happy ending?
‘My stepbrother is gay. Unfortunately, we were raised Mormon. He tried to “pray” the gay away. He served a full mission. And he came home, went to college and married (a woman). He went on to have two children with this woman.
‘He then had a weak moment at the gym and sucked a random dude off.
‘He is now a nurse in Texas living with some hot doctor (a guy). The best part is that he is all over Facebook with his lover and never has a shirt on, which really disturbs my stepfather.’
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Author: Tris Reid-Smith